Smart Parenting
Generational Parenting
Geez Louise! This may be more of a cry for advice on raising teens than giving any. As a grandmother raising teenage grandchildren I find my parenting tools don’t work as they did when I raised my children. Grandparents parenting grandchildren is not a new phenomenon. In 2001, 2,400,000 grandparents were raising grandchildren in the United States (Minkler, 2005). It is not the “why” I want to examine but the “how”.
Parents have raised their children with the appropriate one-step generational difference, however, it is a different beast when grandparents raise children with a three-step generation difference. Comparatively, it is as large a difference as the technological difference between a cell phone and a telephone booth (the tall glass cubicle that Clark Kent goes into to change into Superman used to house a pay telephone for public use). The cell phone is smarter but it comes with a greater degree of complexity and expense. These days, so do grandchildren. They’re smarter but challenging to raise because there are so many more things competing for their attention. So I confess, I was guilty of using the system that worked for my children (phone booth technology) on my grandchildren. You might ask, “How’s that working for you?” Well, it didn’t.
First of all, I am a Baby boomer (born between 1946 and 1964) raising Generation Z also referred to as Boomlets (children born after 2001). My grandchildren and I sandwich Generation X (born between 1965 and 1980) and Generation Y/Millennium (born between 1981 and 2001). As a baby boomer we were raised on “spare the rod, spoil the child”. In fact, it was practically our first memory verse after “Jesus wept.” We probably thought Jesus was crying because he didn’t escape the rod either! It was much later in life I discovered that the much-used phrase is not in the Bible as popularly stated but is adapted from Proverbs 13:24 King James Version which says “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” This in essence means a good parent does not hesitate to use corporal punishment to correct a wayward child. Most baby boomers raised in this fashion swear they are all the better for it. Hence, raising children with little thought of deliberation before consequences reminds me of the scene in the movie The Color Purple (1985) where Harpo (Willard Pugh) asks Miss Celie (Whoopi Goldberg) how to control his wife, Sophia (Oprah Winfrey). Sheepishly, Miss Celie replies “Beat ‘uh.” Miss Celie had been brought under control by beatings so she gave the only advice she knew propagating without criticism the system that brought her under control.
Times have changed and so has discipline. With the advent of Dr. Spock and social services, the “rod” has been replaced with time-outs, grounding and electronic deprivation. Whipping, beating, spanking, whooping is deemed unacceptable by today’s norms.
The Formative Years
Growing up I had many a fun day outside making mud pies with spoiled government food, making stick dolls and siblings and cousins around the yard. We’d march in a line like soldiers and sometimes walked to the corner store to buy a few ripe peaches and ate them on the walk back home. The only thing my grandchildren want to do outside is to walk from the door to the car. Yet I find their capability for brilliance far exceeds what my generation was capable of at their age.
Psychologically, children obtain impressions of their values from whomever is raising them up through age seven. This can be good or traumatic. Children ages eight to thirteen are ‘trying on values’ of others (parents, teachers, religious leaders) to see if there’s a fit. Some values they may retain, some they may discard. As they grow beyond the early teens, they began to emulate the values of their peers.
So how do I relate to my teens? How do I come down to their level or in many cases come up to their level of thought? I knew there had to be changes made to improve our home life. I discovered through trial and error that the changes that most improved home life were the adjustments I made to my perception of raising children today. I couldn’t demand respect, I had to give it to receive it. Their questions required answers and “because I said so” doesn’t wield the power it did when I was the child on the receiving end.
Discipline or Punishment
Since I’m a baby boomer raising grandchildren I needed to be re-schooled and retooled as to how to discipline them. I was fortunate enough to take a parenting class that distinguished punishment from discipline. The word discipline is from the Latin discipulus which means ‘instruction’ or ‘knowledge’. On the other hand, punishment is the ‘infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense.’ The following captures the difference between discipline and punishment. You may or may not agree with them all but the contrast between the two is clear.
- Discipline is instilled; punishment is imposed
- Discipline is used to prevent problems; punishment deals with problems after they occur
- Discipline fosters self-control and self-responsibility; punishment places the responsibility to control on the punisher
- Discipline teaches the correct way to prevent or solve problems; punishment does not ‘teach’ correct behavior although it may stop undesired behavior
- Discipline helps children feel more confident in making the right choices; punishment may reinforce poor self-esteem, especially if punishment is demeaning
- Discipline promotes a cooperative teaching -learning approach thereby developing a strong relationship between parent and child; punishment increases avoidance and fear
Simply put, discipline is where there is a meaningful, investigatory exchange between the parent and child. After listening, the parent determines if the action results in consequences. The consequences are always proportionate and when possible relate to the offense. While there may be some mutual exchange between parent and child prior to corporal punishment, the lesson learned by the child is diverted from instilling a core family value to learning how to avoid the punishment.
Economic Aspirations
Teens today are more materialistic than my generation. One reason being is there are more things available to them. However, perhaps through no fault of their own, they lack the concept of working for it over time because in many instances, we’ve opened the pocketbook and made it available to them. I can recall a conversation with a young adult who had aspirations of getting a house like the one he grew up in. He did not realize it took his parents twenty years to earn enough to acquire the house. His dreams were quickly dashed when he got a dose of reality. Needless to say, he downsized his dream. Why? He was not motivated to put in the work required to achieve it.
Twenge and Kasser (2013) state,
Youth materialism (such as the importance of money and of owning expensive material items) increased over the generations, peaking in the late 1980s to early 1990s with Generation X and then staying at historically high levels for Millennials (GenMe). Societal-level living standards during childhood predicted materialism 10 years later. When materialistic values increased, work centrality steadily declined, suggesting a growing discrepancy between the desire for material rewards and the willingness to do the work usually required to earn them.
The job market has had to change to match the pace and taste of young people entering the employment phase of their lives. Our young people will retire having probably worked many different jobs with flexibilities unheard of in the baby boomer generation. Corporate recognized it must incorporate a work -homelife balance in order to retain good help because the young employables are only as loyal as the job makes them happy. That same characteristic shows up in teens. For instance, in giving assistance, teens take a “what’s in it for me (WIIFM)” position. Other parenting classes support the ‘bait and catch’ or ‘reward’ system for getting the cooperation needed.
Gaming Influence
Pacman. That was the first and the last video game I played. It was repetitious and didn’t require much intelligence. Whatever came after that, I can’t tell you because we retired the controller because it was time to go to work and earn a living. What a difference a few generations make! Gaming has made its debut and is here to stay. It is sophisticated in that it evolved to match the complex thrills that adult “kids” crave. Gaming today has its pros and cons. While it is said that gaming may develop quick decision-making skills it also teaches and rewards youth for obliterating a challenger.
The World Health Organization in June 2018 declared gaming addiction as a mental health disorder. A study by the Minneapolis-based National Institute for Media and the Family suggests that video games can be addictive for kids, and that the kids’ addiction to video games increases their depression and anxiety levels. Addicted kids also exhibit social phobias. Not surprisingly, kids addicted to video games see their school performance suffer. MRI scans reveal that addictive video games can have a similar effect on kids’ brains as drugs and alcohol.
So how do grandparents offset the negative influences of gaming and internet access without keeping the child in the dark ages?
I met a family a short while ago who had five children. They were not allowed to have computers or cell phones. I’m not certain if television was allowed. These children were very well mannered. I observed the three older boys from 10 to 14 years old immediately get involved in the task at hand. No complaints, no whining, no cajoling for WIIFMs. My teens have no problem with whining and/or striking a deal for their services. Will those kids be savvy enough to maneuver in a world that is run by artificial intelligence? Are they better off without everything that comes with the internet and gaming or are we worse off because we’ve exposed our children to indulgences they lack the mental maturity to process? Can we attribute disregard for human life, even their own, to unbridled violence found in television programming, social media and gaming? It is everywhere and in almost everything, approved by the adults that conceptualize it, sanctioned by companies run by adults that manufacture it and a government that won’t censor or control it.
Age Old Remedy
When we look back through generations of people there has always been struggles for liberation. Struggles to break free from inequitable controls; slaves from their masters or women from being labeled simple homemakers. I’ve come to understand while liberation may be appropriate in many instances, raising children in a liberal, free-flowing, flower child environment is not. Controls are required. How else do they learn right from wrong; how to make the right choices given a myriad of options? Mark Gregston says that the psychological adolescence of teens these days extend to age 23. Consider some of the insights of a man whose parented over 2,500 children and teens in the last twenty years.
We must teach our children and even police our children. When they reach the age of being on their own, then liberate them. Hopefully they will fly. They will fly and I will get some rest.
Teen Interview
Since I have expectations of my teens I thought it would be only fair to get a firsthand perspective from a teenager on their expectations of a parent. The exchange was enlightening!
MR: “What kind of a parent would you like to have?
Teen: “I don’t know!!!”, she replied laughing as if she was thinking, “like I have a choice!”
After returning to my writing for a few moments I glance over and see she’s deep in thought. I thought I’d better quickly capture what she’s thinking so I leaned in.
MR: “What are you thinking?” I asked anticipating some great insight.
Teen: “I was thinking about spaghetti. I think I really want to have some spaghetti for dinner”, she answered with a delightful grin.
And there you have it ladies and gentlemen! What is that saying about walking a cat?
References
Minkler, M., Fuller-Thompson, E. (2005). African American Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: A National Study Using the Census 2000 American community Survey. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, Volume 60, Issue 2, March 2005, Pages S82–S92, https://academic.oup.com/psychsocgerontology/article/60/2/S82/546771 r\ Retrieved July 25, 2019
Novak, Jill (2014). The Six Living Generations in America, published by Tim Friesner, Marketing Teacher https://www.marketingteacher.com/the-six-living-generations-in-america/ Retrieved July 17, 2019.
Values Development, published by ChangingMinds.org
http://changingminds.org/explanations/values/values_development.htm Retrieved August 2, 2019.
Twenge, J. M., Kasser, T. (2013). Abstract: Generational Changes in Materialism and Work Centrality, 1976-2007: Associations With Temporal Changes in Societal Insecurity and Materialistic Role Modeling https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167213484586 Retrieved July 25, 2019
Tumbokon, R., (2019). 25+ Positive and Negative Effects of Video Games
https://www.raisesmartkid.com/3-to-6-years-old/4-articles/34-the-good-and-bad-effects-of-video-games August 3, 2019.
https://www.shmoop.com/color-purple/violence-quotes-2.html Retrieved August 27, 2019.
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