So here you are. You’ve been hurt and have carried it a long time. It has affected your decisions, your perceptions, your health and your life! The price paid for nurturing this wound is too high. It’s time to forgive and be forgiven. It’s time to be free. Part 2 methodically walks you through 4 phases of forgiving.  No, they are not easy, but nothing good really comes easy. However, it does promise resolve, health and finally peace.

Part 1 presented 1) what the Bible says about forgiveness, 2) what forgiveness is and is not and, 3) the warning signs of unforgiveness.

This publication concludes the study of forgiveness with:

1. The impact of unforgiveness.
2. True stories of remarkable forgiveness.
3. How do I forgive? The Process of Forgiving in 4 Phases

The Impact of Unforgiveness

Physiological Effects

“Unforgiveness is classified in medical books as a disease…refusing to forgive makes people sick and keeps them that way” according to Dr. Steven Standiford, chief of surgery at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. Harboring anger, hatred, resentment, and bitterness creates a state of chronic anxiety. Chronic anxiety in turn produces excess adrenaline and cortisol that retard the production of cells that fight off diseases. Holding a grudge increases these stressors making you more vulnerable to stroke, heart attack, a lower immune system and even accelerated aging.   

Emotional Effects

Unforgiveness effects your mental health in the form of anxiety, depression, paranoia, and even psychiatric disorders.

You may subconsciously bring the emotional effects of unforgiveness into other relationships. You may be so wrapped up in the offense that the smallest trigger steals the present away and you plunge into the past bringing yourself down dulling the mood of all present.

When we allow our thoughts to bask in the past—rehearsing how to get revenge–we weaken our resistance to “weight and sin”, the spiritual effects of unforgiveness.

Spiritual Effects

Hebrews 12:1 addresses the “weight and sin, which so easily and cleverly entangles us.”

Unforgiveness is a weight. It is like a small pebble in your shoe that irritates you when you step a certain way. At times the pebble settles in a crevice unnoticed only to resurface again as an irritant. It is an irritant that can be a wedge between you and God.

Let’s return to Matthew 5:23-24,

²³ “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,

 ²⁴ leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

This applies not only if a person has something against you but also when you have some against someone. Weights if not addressed can become sin. A sin of omission—not doing what you know to do to make things right. Ahhh…then there’s the sin of pride.

Two Remarkable Stories of Forgiveness

End of the Spear

In 1956, Nate Saint, Jim Elliott, Ed McCully, Roger Youderian, and Pete Fleming, five American missionaries, were attempting to make contact with the Waodani tribe in the tropical rain forest of eastern Ecuador.

Nate Saint, a pilot, whose job was flying missionaries and supplies into remote locations, lived with his family including wife, sister and eight-year-old son.  In his desire to evangelize the Waodanis, Nate and his son built a small wooden aircraft that would land on the narrow beach adjacent to the tribe.  Nate and the others were advised against contact by the locals. He kept his mission hidden from his missionary superiors because the Waodanis were considered a savage tribe where 50-60% of deaths in the tribe were homicides. They did not like outsiders and were known to respond violently. However, Nate and his companions were intent on taking the gospel to them.

Young Steve learns a few words of Waodani—”I am your sincere friend”—from Rachel, his aunt and teaches them to his father. Now Nate and the others feel they are ready to make contact.

As means of an introduction, their first trip to the sandy beach was a fly-over dropping packages of useful items to the natives. Having made this friendly gesture the day before, Nate flies in again and lands the plane. Armed with the few amiable words they knew they tried communicating with the natives, even flying a couple of them in the airplane. They left feeling they had accomplished what no one else had and were anxious to return. And that they did, just two days later.

In the meantime, a dispute breaks out between the Waodani and the Nenkiwi tribes. In order to relieve the tension, tribesmen from Nenkiwi tell the Waodanis that the “foreigners”, Nate Saint and the other men, are cannibals. The Waodani immediately go into warrior mode.

A day or so later they see Nate’s plane circling overhead announcing themselves as they had done before. When they landed the missionaries deboarded the plane but the natives did not come out as they had before. They saw two natives walking very slowly toward them. Suddenly, the Waodani warriors charged out of the jungle with spears. One of the missionaries had a gun but they had agreed that if things ever came to this that they would not use the gun. They did not.

All five men were speared on January 8, 1956. Four bodies were recovered; one washed down the river. Steve was eight years old when he lost his father.

Eventually, the falsehood is uncovered. Two years after the incident, Elisabeth Elliott, wife of Jim Elliott, Steve, his mother and his aunt Rachel all go to live with the Waodanis. Over time they finish the work of those five missionaries by winning the Waodanis over to Christianity.

Mincaye, the man who killed Steve’s father takes his place and becomes Steve’s “father” and “grandfather to his children. They form a lifelong bond until Mincaye’s death in April 2020. The movie End of the Spear, released in 2005, recounts this story.

End of the Spear Trailer

 

End of the Spear Full Movie

Brandt Jean

It took one act, one brave unimaginable act by 18-year-old Brandt Jean in October 2019 to reverberate the gospel of forgiveness around the world. A jury convicted Amber Guyger of the murder of 26-year-old Botham Jean.

Botham Jean’s family assembled in court at Amber’s sentencing hearing. Brandt had a year to grieve his brother and to contemplate his impact statement. No doubt he was fully aware of the sentiments of his parents and the rest of the family toward Amber. But he had to speak his sentiments, his owns thoughts, in his own words. When his moment finally came, with nervous certainty, he spoke ”I forgive you… I want the best for you…” Then he asked if he could hug her. The court and the world gasped. The judge cautiously granted that request. A grief stricken Amber fell in his  extended arms.

Brandt Jean’s Impact Statement

How to Forgive – Prep Step

Are you ready to stop nurturing past hurts so you can move on? Then it’s time to let go of unforgiveness. Learning to forgive can be a long process. Just like love, forgiveness is a decision we make each day

Practice forgiving by starting with the everyday offenses.

One way to condition yourself to forgive is to recognize situations that arise daily that are actual practice opportunities to forgive. For example, if someone is rude in a store or cuts you off in traffic, use that incident to practice forgiveness.

1. Recognize the wrong.
2. Realize it wasn’t necessarily a personal attack, you just happened to be the person there at the time they made a poor choice.
3. If it is a personal attack, don’t match their words with a child-to-child response. You must rise higher and employ an adult-to-child response. This deescalates the situation. Not easy to do but can be done.
4. Get spiritual. Ask yourself, why were you the recipient of this offense and not someone else.

• • Could it be Jesus wants you to witness by giving a Christian response?
  • Could it be that you need to practice your Christian responses to offensive situations?

4. Forgive on the spot and respond appropriately. Why?

You are conditioning yourself to resist the instinctive human reaction and employ the Christian reaction. The Christian reaction blesses them that curse you. If you ever walk away from a situation and you’re gloating, you probably said something you shouldn’t have. 

Practice until your responses deescalate and forgiveness is a reflex.

 

The Forgiveness Process

1. Impact Phase

During this phase, identify the offender, the offense, and the impact on you.

2. Discovery Phase

The object of this phase it to do some “time travel” fact finding to determine possible contributing factors that prompted the person to become offensive. Put yourself in the place of the offender to see his perspective.

Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom; and with all thy getting get understanding.~ Proverbs 4:7

It is also the time to determine if there are any reflex behaviors from the past on your part that may have contributed to the resulting offense. You may need a trusted friend who can be objective to help you work through this step.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”~ Stephen Covey, Author

Once you get an understanding then you can sort out if you played a role in the offense or if this incident rests solely on the shoulders of the offender. The point is not to blame. Nothing good comes out of blaming. The object is to begin the healing process on both sides.

3. Work Phase

Sort through the facts of the Discovery Phase with the assistance of an objective confidant if needed. The goal is to detail cause and effect creating plausible steps toward forgiveness.

Cause and Effect

Cause–>Behavior–>Reaction–>Repair

There is something that has happened in the offender’s past to cause certain behaviors to be carried forward. That behavior gets a certain reaction from the receiver resulting in a crack or break in the relationship which requires repair to restore. 

You may need to work backwards to get to the cause.

Example:

Person A withheld dessert from Person B’s child.  (Behavior)

Person B, when she heard of it became angry. (Reaction)

Why did person A withhold dessert? (Cause)

This is where, if possible, Person B needs to get an understanding of Person A’s cause that resulted in withholding dessert.

Also, Person B needs to self-examine to determine if their reaction was reasonable or is this a sensitive area for them always resulting in an extreme reaction. Once all these factors are sorted out, actions to repair the offense should be clear.

This always works better if both parties are calmly working toward a solution.

4. Moving Forward Phase

During this final phase you will begin to implement the steps needed to repair the relationship and hence initiate forgiveness.  You may still be hurting and angry but action must follow your decision to forgive. 

This phase always includes destroying mementos you’ve kept to remind you of the offense such as text messages, pictures, IOUs, etc. If the offender has passed on or even if he is still around, if needed, write a letter expressing your feelings but never with the intention of giving the letter to them. This letter is for you to get it all out—then destroy it.

Keep in mind if the offense is old the person may not even recall it. It is your approach to the conversation that will bring healing to both of you. Your mission is never to “search and destroy”.

This phase may take a while and may even have some setbacks.  It is important not to give up but to adjust your path to reach an acceptable end. However, if the other party wants nothing to do with “extending the olive branch” then be at peace, you’ve done all you can.

Maintaining Forgiveness

Of course, the devil is going to rear his ugly head through things that trigger bad memories. You have the power to load the gun and shoot him with it! Give no place to the devil by entertaining his walk down memory lane. This is one time you need to talk back! Remind the devil and your flesh where you are today! Not ten years ago, not ten minutes ago!

Declare Your Breakthrough Aloud

God has healed my broken heart.~ Psalms 147:3

I will not slip back into despair for he has established my steps. ~Psalm 40:2

I am blessed and not depressed because I sit in heavenly places in Christ. ~Ephesians 1:3

I am forgiven. ~Ephesians 1:7

I am complete in God, nothing missing, nothing broken. ~Colossians 2:10

I am loved. ~Isaiah 43:1

My past does not define me. ~Isaiah 43:18-19

The mountains will flatten before the Lord will remove his kindness toward me. ~Isaiah 54:10

My heart is restored. ~Psalms 16:9

God’s comfort delights my soul. ~Psalms 94:19

Peace flows through me because my mind is on Jesus. ~Isaiah 26:3

I will not become weary in doing good! ~Galatians 6:9

Declarations of healing, especially when you’ve done the work and put time in prayer for the offender and yourself are essential.  On your own you will be tempted to wander back to unforgiveness.

Forgiveness Process Worksheet

The Forgiveness Process Worksheet is provided as a tool to guide you to forgiveness. Use it any way that is beneficial to reaching a state of peace.

Finally my friend,

1 Peter 4:7-8

⁷The end of the world is coming soon. Therefore, be earnest and disciplined in your prayers.

⁸ Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.

This scripture reminds us what is important.  Don’t get hung up on things that won’t pass into eternity.

The Power of Forgiveness

 

۩   Learn to write hurts in sand, and carve blessings in stone.

 

 

 

References

Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health (apa.org)

Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It | Johns Hopkins Medicine

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness – Mayo Clinic

The Deadly Consequences of Unforgiveness | CBN News

End of the Spear – Wikipedia